Blog Archives
Suicide, damn dpression, and statistics
So as the title of the post would suggest, my mood has not picked up as yet and I am sitting in a pit of despair, otherwise known as by bedroom. I have barely left it in weeks and have been spending my days doing my newly acquired hobby: marathon sleeping. I seem to find it difficult to wake up and have been sleeping into the late afternoon and sometimes into the evening, only surfacing to go outside for a cigarette or if my boyfriend provides me with something to eat, he’s nice like that. I feel totally pathetic to tell the truth, I feel like I’m just being lazy but I genuinely cannot seem to wake up, I’m not sure what’s going on but I think that it might be to do with the sodium valproate. When I spoke to the psychiatrist, he said that it may be reacting with the quietiapine I am already taking and making me sleepy so he reduced the quietapine dose but this has had no effect. Honestly, I am on the verge of stopping taking it, it has got that bad. Read the rest of this entry
OK mood, seriously WTF
After about 5 days of what you could call happiness I have slipped back into a pit of depression again. I always know things are getting serious when I start looking up the lethal doses of various medications, a bad habit that I would advise against. I just feel like crap again and have been having trouble concentrating on anything, even watching TV is not easy as everything just feels like a chore. Read the rest of this entry
My depression: magically gone
Ok so the holidays are over. I successfully managed to avoid most of it: I did make Christmas dinner and bought a few presents but that’s about it. I don’t see why I should have to participate as I am an atheist and really hate how everything revolves around spending lots of money when I don’t exactly have vast quantities of the stuff and hearing of spoilt little teenagers complaining that their parents bought them the wrong color iphone. Why should I have to put up with this crap when I am in the depths of a depressive episode and the prospect of being admitted to hospital is never far from my thoughts.
Ok enough moaning… Read the rest of this entry
Leaving the crisis team, thank goodness
OK so I have been discharged from the crisis team. Not because I am well or in any way better but because they seem to think that my overall expression of annoyance with them meant that I was getting better. I did not fight the discharge from them as although I am still unwell with consistent invasive thoughts of suicide, visual hallucinations and racing jumbled thoughts, I had had enough of them and their complete inability to do anything that was of any use to me and communicating with them was like playing a rather unfair game of Chinese whispers where whatever I would say or ask for would be either lost or so distorted that it was not worth the effort. It’s not just me, they have been driving my social to distraction also; in some ways I find this comforting as it’s not me that they’re ignoring, they do it to everyone, even the professionals. Read the rest of this entry
On suicide and crisis resolution
I haven’t updated the blog for quite a while. This is because I am not very well and have been feeling a complete lack of any kind of creativity and have really wanted to hide from the world.
I don’t have time to be unwell; I have a PhD thesis to write. 100,000 words isn’t going to write itself you know. The strange thing is that even in the depths of a depressive episode as I am right now; I still want to complete my PhD. I promised myself I would finish it, that I would get through it and to be honest, despite all the good things I have in my life, it is my PhD that keeps me alive now. I think that this is because I am so incredibly stubborn and if I drop out now, whether by leaving the research or by leaving this world, I will see myself as an utter failure. It might sound strange to you all but when I promise myself I’m going to do something, I am damn well going to do it. Read the rest of this entry
New series- The Reality of Mental illness
Someone said to me the other day that having Bipolar disorder was seen as “cool” and “fashionable” so in response I have decided to write a new series of articles detailing the day to day reality of having a mental illness to show how different the reality of living with a mental illness is so different from the image portrayed by the media and certain celebrities that I shall not name.
I aim to cover quite a few topics but so far on my list I have… Read the rest of this entry
More mental health art
I know I’ve posted alot of art already but I’m still not well and struggling to write but I will soon I promise
This is how I often feel having bipolar disorder: things can be fine but its like waiting for a bomb to go off in your mind. Read the rest of this entry
mind make up your mind
I had been feeling much better and have been getting a little high in mood from time to time but my mood seems to be unstable
Saturday was an amazing day, one of my dearest friends came down from Reading and we went to London Zoo. I was packed with energy that day like the energiser bunny. We went round the entire zoo (its really big), on my feet all day, went out for dinner at this amazing Ethiopian restaurant in Kentish Town (they have a great vegetarian selection) and then headed into central for some more wandering, ending up with another friend in a bar in Soho until nearly midnight. I could have handled more but I didn’t fancy the night bus on my own.
As of yesterday afternoon, I have been feeling low again; I didn’t manage a whole day at work and had to come home early today. I’ve lost all my energy and feel really down. I really wish my mood would stay stable for a while. I’ve taken some diazepam but it doesn’t seem to be helping.
I feel like a ticking time bomb, just waiting for my mood to plummet further. It just feels inevitable at the moment and I really don’t know if I can take another depressive illness right now. It just makes me feel like I don’t want to go on any more. I’ve tried to call my social worker but he wasn’t in the office so I guess I’m going to have to go it alone for now. Will try and check in with the blog soon with further developments.
