Blog Archives
Too much thesis writing
I’ve been writing way too much, writing a PhD is hard! so I thought I’d show you a sign my boyfriend found in the shop today.
Suicide, damn dpression, and statistics
So as the title of the post would suggest, my mood has not picked up as yet and I am sitting in a pit of despair, otherwise known as by bedroom. I have barely left it in weeks and have been spending my days doing my newly acquired hobby: marathon sleeping. I seem to find it difficult to wake up and have been sleeping into the late afternoon and sometimes into the evening, only surfacing to go outside for a cigarette or if my boyfriend provides me with something to eat, he’s nice like that. I feel totally pathetic to tell the truth, I feel like I’m just being lazy but I genuinely cannot seem to wake up, I’m not sure what’s going on but I think that it might be to do with the sodium valproate. When I spoke to the psychiatrist, he said that it may be reacting with the quietiapine I am already taking and making me sleepy so he reduced the quietapine dose but this has had no effect. Honestly, I am on the verge of stopping taking it, it has got that bad. Read the rest of this entry
OK mood, seriously WTF
After about 5 days of what you could call happiness I have slipped back into a pit of depression again. I always know things are getting serious when I start looking up the lethal doses of various medications, a bad habit that I would advise against. I just feel like crap again and have been having trouble concentrating on anything, even watching TV is not easy as everything just feels like a chore. Read the rest of this entry
Leaving the crisis team, thank goodness
OK so I have been discharged from the crisis team. Not because I am well or in any way better but because they seem to think that my overall expression of annoyance with them meant that I was getting better. I did not fight the discharge from them as although I am still unwell with consistent invasive thoughts of suicide, visual hallucinations and racing jumbled thoughts, I had had enough of them and their complete inability to do anything that was of any use to me and communicating with them was like playing a rather unfair game of Chinese whispers where whatever I would say or ask for would be either lost or so distorted that it was not worth the effort. It’s not just me, they have been driving my social to distraction also; in some ways I find this comforting as it’s not me that they’re ignoring, they do it to everyone, even the professionals. Read the rest of this entry
On suicide and crisis resolution
I haven’t updated the blog for quite a while. This is because I am not very well and have been feeling a complete lack of any kind of creativity and have really wanted to hide from the world.
I don’t have time to be unwell; I have a PhD thesis to write. 100,000 words isn’t going to write itself you know. The strange thing is that even in the depths of a depressive episode as I am right now; I still want to complete my PhD. I promised myself I would finish it, that I would get through it and to be honest, despite all the good things I have in my life, it is my PhD that keeps me alive now. I think that this is because I am so incredibly stubborn and if I drop out now, whether by leaving the research or by leaving this world, I will see myself as an utter failure. It might sound strange to you all but when I promise myself I’m going to do something, I am damn well going to do it. Read the rest of this entry
Living a mixed affective episode and sodium valproate
So over the past month or so I have been in the throws of a mixed affective episode which has been extremely unpleasant. I have been violently swinging from the depths of depression to something not far off mania and I have been trying really hard to get on with life. Read the rest of this entry
I don’t want to juggle glass anymore
I refer you back to what I named this blog, “How to Juggle Glass”. I called it that because that’s what my life feels like: juggling balls made of glass and if (and when) you drop them they all smash on the floor and make a terrible mess that is impossible to put back together.
I feel like I’m standing barefoot surrounded by shattered glass, just staring down at the floor at all the pieces in total confusion of what to do now. I can’t walk away as I’ll shred the bottoms of my feet and I can’t pick it up as I’ll cut my fingers… Read the rest of this entry
Writing a PhD when you’re crazy
So I have been trying hard to begin writing up my PhD thesis. This would be challenging anyway except for the fact that my mood is swinging on what appears to be a 2 day cycle. I have seen the psychiatrist and he has doubled one of my medications which is not advisable but I did tell him that I needed my mood to stop swinging quickly so that I can get back to my enormous workload. Physically this has left me feeling like I’ve been hit by a bus; all my muscles ache and my mind feels like someone has put my brain in a blender. Also I have developed a chest infection (I don’t know if this is related or not) and have a fever to go with it so I am feeling physically and mentally wiped. Read the rest of this entry
Preyground by Kate Gladstone
See, saw, Margery Daw,
The bullies grabbed her for a whacking.
When she fought, screamed, or hid, she was told (the poor kid) –
“It’s YOUR social skills that are lacking.”
tired and frazzled
I’m feeling more than a little frustrated.
I take quite a bit of medication to help control my mental health and the recent increased doses in response to me ending up in hospital (again) is making me tired all the time.
I’ve been sleeping lots but no matter what I do my stamina for work just isn’t there and I have to come home early in the afternoon. All I want to do is to go and do a full day of work/ study or whatever you want to call it, but in the afternoon I just can’t concentrate and have to go home.
It feels a bit like I haven’t slept for about 3 days (that’s the only way I can describe it) and my head just spins and I just want to go to sleep and cant concentrate no matter what I do. I can’t seem to get enough rest, even though I get a full night’s sleep, I still feel rotten.
its really getting on my nerves as I have got so much to do. I have been trying to get more exercise to try and combat this but it doesn’t seem to be working, am going to go to aqua-aerobics and a 40 min swim later on, I hope that will make me feel better.
I just don’t know what to do at the moment, it is taking up all my energy just writing in this blog, let alone keeping up with my PhD.
