Blog Archives
Suicide, damn dpression, and statistics
So as the title of the post would suggest, my mood has not picked up as yet and I am sitting in a pit of despair, otherwise known as by bedroom. I have barely left it in weeks and have been spending my days doing my newly acquired hobby: marathon sleeping. I seem to find it difficult to wake up and have been sleeping into the late afternoon and sometimes into the evening, only surfacing to go outside for a cigarette or if my boyfriend provides me with something to eat, he’s nice like that. I feel totally pathetic to tell the truth, I feel like I’m just being lazy but I genuinely cannot seem to wake up, I’m not sure what’s going on but I think that it might be to do with the sodium valproate. When I spoke to the psychiatrist, he said that it may be reacting with the quietiapine I am already taking and making me sleepy so he reduced the quietapine dose but this has had no effect. Honestly, I am on the verge of stopping taking it, it has got that bad. Read the rest of this entry
OK mood, seriously WTF
After about 5 days of what you could call happiness I have slipped back into a pit of depression again. I always know things are getting serious when I start looking up the lethal doses of various medications, a bad habit that I would advise against. I just feel like crap again and have been having trouble concentrating on anything, even watching TV is not easy as everything just feels like a chore. Read the rest of this entry
My depression: magically gone
Ok so the holidays are over. I successfully managed to avoid most of it: I did make Christmas dinner and bought a few presents but that’s about it. I don’t see why I should have to participate as I am an atheist and really hate how everything revolves around spending lots of money when I don’t exactly have vast quantities of the stuff and hearing of spoilt little teenagers complaining that their parents bought them the wrong color iphone. Why should I have to put up with this crap when I am in the depths of a depressive episode and the prospect of being admitted to hospital is never far from my thoughts.
Ok enough moaning… Read the rest of this entry
Ode to a nightingale
My heart aches, and a drowsy numbness pains
My sense, as though of hemlock I had drunk,
Or emptied some dull opiate to the drains
One minute past, and Lethe-wards had sunk:
‘Tis not through envy of thy happy lot,
But being too happy in thine happiness, –
That thou, light-winged Dryad of the trees,
In some melodious plot
Of beechen green and shadows numberless,
Singest of summer in full-throated ease. Read the rest of this entry
Leaving the crisis team, thank goodness
OK so I have been discharged from the crisis team. Not because I am well or in any way better but because they seem to think that my overall expression of annoyance with them meant that I was getting better. I did not fight the discharge from them as although I am still unwell with consistent invasive thoughts of suicide, visual hallucinations and racing jumbled thoughts, I had had enough of them and their complete inability to do anything that was of any use to me and communicating with them was like playing a rather unfair game of Chinese whispers where whatever I would say or ask for would be either lost or so distorted that it was not worth the effort. It’s not just me, they have been driving my social to distraction also; in some ways I find this comforting as it’s not me that they’re ignoring, they do it to everyone, even the professionals. Read the rest of this entry
Hallucinations and suicidal thoughts
I am still not feeling good at all. It honestly feels right now like I’m lost out at sea, floating through the days just trying to stay alive.
I am plagued by thoughts of ending my life; these thoughts are strange and feel like they are coming from somewhere that isn’t me. I realize that they are from me but they feel alien: mostly because I can’t seem to control them. Its kind of like having a constant radio going on in your head but you can’t change the station, volume or turn it down. So I’m stuck with these thoughts of suicide in my head, going round and although I try to fight them, it takes up all of my mental effort and I can do little else. Read the rest of this entry
On suicide and crisis resolution
I haven’t updated the blog for quite a while. This is because I am not very well and have been feeling a complete lack of any kind of creativity and have really wanted to hide from the world.
I don’t have time to be unwell; I have a PhD thesis to write. 100,000 words isn’t going to write itself you know. The strange thing is that even in the depths of a depressive episode as I am right now; I still want to complete my PhD. I promised myself I would finish it, that I would get through it and to be honest, despite all the good things I have in my life, it is my PhD that keeps me alive now. I think that this is because I am so incredibly stubborn and if I drop out now, whether by leaving the research or by leaving this world, I will see myself as an utter failure. It might sound strange to you all but when I promise myself I’m going to do something, I am damn well going to do it. Read the rest of this entry
Reason for my mixed episode
I have been feeling like total crap. Spent the weekend manically running round London doing this and that but not much really, although I did make it to the Mindful exhibition which was good. Also spent Saturday afternoon with Mark47 which was fun. I then headed over to the suburbs to see TGW and go to a film night.
Saw the shrink and the social worker this morning and my lithium levels are still low which is probably the explanation for why I have been feeling so very unwell and my mood has been on super-cycle every couple of days. Have been both high as a kite with mania and suicidal with depression. I have been hearing voices which say different things depending on what mood I’m in, it’s really quite bizarre. So my lithium has been increased and with any luck that will help my mood. Also I will soon be starting on sodium valproate but they wont let me do that until I get a few medical things done, so hopefully I’ll start when I see the shrink again next week.
The Suicide’s Argument- my depression’s downfall
This is a poem that I turn to in times of deep sorrow, when I feel like ending it all. I love the response that nature gives, it shows that we need to look at the wonderful, improbable gift of life that we have been given and see ourselves for what we are, not what our depression tells us we are… Read the rest of this entry
