Blog Archives
Suicide, damn dpression, and statistics
So as the title of the post would suggest, my mood has not picked up as yet and I am sitting in a pit of despair, otherwise known as by bedroom. I have barely left it in weeks and have been spending my days doing my newly acquired hobby: marathon sleeping. I seem to find it difficult to wake up and have been sleeping into the late afternoon and sometimes into the evening, only surfacing to go outside for a cigarette or if my boyfriend provides me with something to eat, he’s nice like that. I feel totally pathetic to tell the truth, I feel like I’m just being lazy but I genuinely cannot seem to wake up, I’m not sure what’s going on but I think that it might be to do with the sodium valproate. When I spoke to the psychiatrist, he said that it may be reacting with the quietiapine I am already taking and making me sleepy so he reduced the quietapine dose but this has had no effect. Honestly, I am on the verge of stopping taking it, it has got that bad. Read the rest of this entry
My depression: magically gone
Ok so the holidays are over. I successfully managed to avoid most of it: I did make Christmas dinner and bought a few presents but that’s about it. I don’t see why I should have to participate as I am an atheist and really hate how everything revolves around spending lots of money when I don’t exactly have vast quantities of the stuff and hearing of spoilt little teenagers complaining that their parents bought them the wrong color iphone. Why should I have to put up with this crap when I am in the depths of a depressive episode and the prospect of being admitted to hospital is never far from my thoughts.
Ok enough moaning… Read the rest of this entry
Ode to a nightingale
My heart aches, and a drowsy numbness pains
My sense, as though of hemlock I had drunk,
Or emptied some dull opiate to the drains
One minute past, and Lethe-wards had sunk:
‘Tis not through envy of thy happy lot,
But being too happy in thine happiness, –
That thou, light-winged Dryad of the trees,
In some melodious plot
Of beechen green and shadows numberless,
Singest of summer in full-throated ease. Read the rest of this entry
Hallucinations and suicidal thoughts
I am still not feeling good at all. It honestly feels right now like I’m lost out at sea, floating through the days just trying to stay alive.
I am plagued by thoughts of ending my life; these thoughts are strange and feel like they are coming from somewhere that isn’t me. I realize that they are from me but they feel alien: mostly because I can’t seem to control them. Its kind of like having a constant radio going on in your head but you can’t change the station, volume or turn it down. So I’m stuck with these thoughts of suicide in my head, going round and although I try to fight them, it takes up all of my mental effort and I can do little else. Read the rest of this entry
Influenzal Mood Disorder
I have been rather sick. I have an apparently severe case of flu and pneumonia, which has left me knocked for six and not doing very much at all, except for sleeping excessively and watching lots of the American Apprentice. Donald Trump is an interesting character. Much less grumpy than Alan Sugar but he does seem incredibly grandiose to me and dismissive of the people he meets but what do you expect from such a wealthy and famous person I suppose. Read the rest of this entry
Not very well
I am not feeling very well.
I feel like I want to kill myself and it wont go away. I don’t feel safe in my own head at the moment.
I can’t take it any more!
Mind good, body bad
I have been on lithium for two weeks now and it appears to be doing its job. I feel so much better in myself and have got much more energy. I’ve had very few thoughts of harming myself and feel rather hopeful that this will continue. I’ve even been getting quite a bit of work done, which is good.
Unfortunately I have a bladder infection and so I’m feeling physically rather dodgy and keep spiking a mild but annoying fever and headache as well as the rather obvious side effects of having a bladder infection.
Its really annoying that even though I feel better in my mind my body isn’t keeping up. I just want to go at work hell for leather but I just can’t. Hopefully I’ll feel better soon.
Having a bad patch
I cant seem to do anything right today. Everything is falling apart
All I want to do is go home and sleep!
I hate feeling like this, I feel in limbo: I’m neither depressed or high but agitated and feeling like everything is a bit too much for me at the moment, I feel really overwhelmed by everything. The doctor first gave me some diazepam which wasn’t really in a high enough dose to have any effect and the next doctor gave me some lorazepam which works a little better but it only works for a short while. I don’t know what I need but it is something a bit more substantial in order to get me through this.
My pulse keeps racing and I have dry mouth and palpitations. On top of that my thoughts are racing through my head at an incredible pace and not good thoughts either. I keep thinking of hurting myself.
My mind is fixated on hurting myself. I want to cut my wrists and I can’t get the thought out of my mind. I just don’t know what to think about it and I feel like I can’t resist the urge. Every time I see a knife I want to really do some damage.
I’m seeing the social worker and the GP tomorrow so maybe I can work on it from there, but until then I guess I’ll have to try and carry on and be strong.
