Blog Archives
Suicide, damn dpression, and statistics
So as the title of the post would suggest, my mood has not picked up as yet and I am sitting in a pit of despair, otherwise known as by bedroom. I have barely left it in weeks and have been spending my days doing my newly acquired hobby: marathon sleeping. I seem to find it difficult to wake up and have been sleeping into the late afternoon and sometimes into the evening, only surfacing to go outside for a cigarette or if my boyfriend provides me with something to eat, he’s nice like that. I feel totally pathetic to tell the truth, I feel like I’m just being lazy but I genuinely cannot seem to wake up, I’m not sure what’s going on but I think that it might be to do with the sodium valproate. When I spoke to the psychiatrist, he said that it may be reacting with the quietiapine I am already taking and making me sleepy so he reduced the quietapine dose but this has had no effect. Honestly, I am on the verge of stopping taking it, it has got that bad. Read the rest of this entry
My depression: magically gone
Ok so the holidays are over. I successfully managed to avoid most of it: I did make Christmas dinner and bought a few presents but that’s about it. I don’t see why I should have to participate as I am an atheist and really hate how everything revolves around spending lots of money when I don’t exactly have vast quantities of the stuff and hearing of spoilt little teenagers complaining that their parents bought them the wrong color iphone. Why should I have to put up with this crap when I am in the depths of a depressive episode and the prospect of being admitted to hospital is never far from my thoughts.
Ok enough moaning… Read the rest of this entry
Ode to a nightingale
My heart aches, and a drowsy numbness pains
My sense, as though of hemlock I had drunk,
Or emptied some dull opiate to the drains
One minute past, and Lethe-wards had sunk:
‘Tis not through envy of thy happy lot,
But being too happy in thine happiness, –
That thou, light-winged Dryad of the trees,
In some melodious plot
Of beechen green and shadows numberless,
Singest of summer in full-throated ease. Read the rest of this entry
Hallucinations and suicidal thoughts
I am still not feeling good at all. It honestly feels right now like I’m lost out at sea, floating through the days just trying to stay alive.
I am plagued by thoughts of ending my life; these thoughts are strange and feel like they are coming from somewhere that isn’t me. I realize that they are from me but they feel alien: mostly because I can’t seem to control them. Its kind of like having a constant radio going on in your head but you can’t change the station, volume or turn it down. So I’m stuck with these thoughts of suicide in my head, going round and although I try to fight them, it takes up all of my mental effort and I can do little else. Read the rest of this entry
Feeling the pain: Suicide controls my thoughts
Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.
I don’t want to juggle glass anymore
I refer you back to what I named this blog, “How to Juggle Glass”. I called it that because that’s what my life feels like: juggling balls made of glass and if (and when) you drop them they all smash on the floor and make a terrible mess that is impossible to put back together.
I feel like I’m standing barefoot surrounded by shattered glass, just staring down at the floor at all the pieces in total confusion of what to do now. I can’t walk away as I’ll shred the bottoms of my feet and I can’t pick it up as I’ll cut my fingers… Read the rest of this entry
Dissociation – a short poem by me
OK, this is the first time I’m doing this so be gentle with me.
This is one of the poems I wrote during my troubled adolescence. I wrote quite a few poems and will try and find the courage to share them with the world. They’re not very good, never have been good with words. I wrote this age 15 about a rather troubled relationship I was in at the time, it’s quite self explanatory really and I hope you find it interesting. Read the rest of this entry
Not very well
I am not feeling very well.
I feel like I want to kill myself and it wont go away. I don’t feel safe in my own head at the moment.
I can’t take it any more!
Feeling OK
I have been feeling OK mentally for a while now. The lithium seems to be doing its job. My moods have been stable and I have been able to go into work every day without worry.
I have however been exceptionally tired and feeling groggy on most days. This is probably due to my other medications and has left me feeling like not going into work in the mornings. It’s a conundrum because without my medications I wouldn’t be able to function but they leave me tired and weak so it’s a problem. Who knows the answer to this one? I don’t know.
I have also had a second psychotherapy assessment. This went better than the first one but it was still quite awkward, with long silent pauses. Apparently I was “playing it safe” and “refusing to open up”. Who knows what the doc was thinking. She really gets on my nerves: not looking even remotely at me and not saying anything. When the session was over she even refused to lend me her pen to write the next appointment down saying “you need to take responsibility for your appointment” I AM taking responsibility, I’m writing it down so I remember
Oh well, never mind…
a noisy mind
Today I have been feeling really down. I managed to go into Uni but I didn’t get much done. My Dad is really sick in hospital so I have had that to worry about on top of my current depressive state.
I am really fighting the urge to hurt myself today and am trying to distract myself from this but its not going so well at the moment and I am worried that I am going to do something bad or perhaps terminal.
I just don’t want to be in my head at the moment, its too busy in here and I just want out. I cant think and its driving me crazy. The diazepam is helping a little but I just need some respite from this!
