Blog Archives
Suicide, damn dpression, and statistics
So as the title of the post would suggest, my mood has not picked up as yet and I am sitting in a pit of despair, otherwise known as by bedroom. I have barely left it in weeks and have been spending my days doing my newly acquired hobby: marathon sleeping. I seem to find it difficult to wake up and have been sleeping into the late afternoon and sometimes into the evening, only surfacing to go outside for a cigarette or if my boyfriend provides me with something to eat, he’s nice like that. I feel totally pathetic to tell the truth, I feel like I’m just being lazy but I genuinely cannot seem to wake up, I’m not sure what’s going on but I think that it might be to do with the sodium valproate. When I spoke to the psychiatrist, he said that it may be reacting with the quietiapine I am already taking and making me sleepy so he reduced the quietapine dose but this has had no effect. Honestly, I am on the verge of stopping taking it, it has got that bad. Read the rest of this entry
My depression: magically gone
Ok so the holidays are over. I successfully managed to avoid most of it: I did make Christmas dinner and bought a few presents but that’s about it. I don’t see why I should have to participate as I am an atheist and really hate how everything revolves around spending lots of money when I don’t exactly have vast quantities of the stuff and hearing of spoilt little teenagers complaining that their parents bought them the wrong color iphone. Why should I have to put up with this crap when I am in the depths of a depressive episode and the prospect of being admitted to hospital is never far from my thoughts.
Ok enough moaning… Read the rest of this entry
Ode to a nightingale
My heart aches, and a drowsy numbness pains
My sense, as though of hemlock I had drunk,
Or emptied some dull opiate to the drains
One minute past, and Lethe-wards had sunk:
‘Tis not through envy of thy happy lot,
But being too happy in thine happiness, –
That thou, light-winged Dryad of the trees,
In some melodious plot
Of beechen green and shadows numberless,
Singest of summer in full-throated ease. Read the rest of this entry
Hallucinations and suicidal thoughts
I am still not feeling good at all. It honestly feels right now like I’m lost out at sea, floating through the days just trying to stay alive.
I am plagued by thoughts of ending my life; these thoughts are strange and feel like they are coming from somewhere that isn’t me. I realize that they are from me but they feel alien: mostly because I can’t seem to control them. Its kind of like having a constant radio going on in your head but you can’t change the station, volume or turn it down. So I’m stuck with these thoughts of suicide in my head, going round and although I try to fight them, it takes up all of my mental effort and I can do little else. Read the rest of this entry
So who’s been visiting my Blog over the past couple of weeks?
As you can see, people with quite a mix of issues have been visiting the site recently with the most common problem being depression. Bipolar, eating disorders and anxiety disorders also scored highly.
Thank you to all those who took part in the anonymous poll. I’ll keep it up on the side-bar just in case others wish to have their voices heard.
Daydreaming and mood swings
Having an evening of quiet contemplation. Feeling a little uneasy about everything about myself.
My mood is cycling between total focused lucidity and terrible deep depression with great speed and ferocity and is showing no signs of stopping. Also having excessive amounts of anxiety and some nasty panic attacks. Read the rest of this entry
Fear the future
While I am over the moon that I have made it this far I am absolutely petrified of the coming year. My PhD thesis is due at the end of March and there is so much to do it’s a bit overwhelming. I know that this is what I signed up for and I am confident that I can do it but at the same time I’m afraid that I’m going to have another mood swing and I won’t be able to do it in time. 100,000 words is an awful lot to think about. Read the rest of this entry
Working with mania and valium
Apologies for not updating in ages. Things were going quite well for me and I have been stable, at least until last week. I am having an episode of mania and it has really stopped me functioning. Large amounts of valium have made my behaviour “socially acceptable” but is really taking its toll on my mental capacity and I feel really wiped out. I came back to Uni today but feel very frayed around the edges and I’m not sure if I’m going to make it through to the end of the day. I really don’t want to be here right now but I feel like I can’t take any more time off as I have so much work to do.
I feel a mix of euphoria and fear. This is ruining my life and as hard as I try I’m not getting anything useful done. I’m going to try and do some simple work and hopefully that will make me feel better.
